Pioneer News 2012
Troop 37's Massawepie Skit; July 27, 2012:
Pioneer Network News 2012
CHET: Good evening: This is PNN the Pioneer News Network – the fake news network that only tells you what you want to hear. Chet Chetson reporting. Our top stories tonight! – Old Man Ray dies at age 19! – 54 Trail Blazers take a five mile swim around Massawepie Lake! – And did you know that in Ninteen something something, stuff happened? But who cares. First up, another hard-hitting exposé by our prize-winning investigative reporter, Don Donaldson. Don?
DON: (Center left) Zombie Apocalypse: harmless Trail Blazer humor or secret flesh-eating cult? YOU be the judge. This reporter has learned that innocent little Scouts are being converted to the un-dead, sometimes within hours of arriving at at Camp Massawepie. A pint-size army of walking corpses, groaning piteously, hungry for flesh, thirsty for blood, void of all emotions, these tiny carnivores. . .
CHET (cutting him off): Don, Don, this is Chet! Every year you report some unspeakable horror happening at Scout Camp, and every year your stories turn out to be hyped-up nonsense. What proof do you have this time that this alleged crime against nature actually is happening?
DON: Glad you asked. This year, I’ve got video proof! Run the tape. This footage was taken bright and early Monday morning, five boys on their way to Trail Blazers:
"Video": five trail Blazers enter in uniform, singing "Be, be, be Prepared, the motto of the Boy Scouts" etc. They exit, and change very quickly)
DON: Sweet, innocent, wholesome, yes? But look at this, taken just hours ago: same boys, same place:
(Re-enter VERY QUICKLY, with weird sweatshirts, Zombie-like)
DON: Camp Pioneer isn’t even trying to hide their crimes. If they weren’t creating zombies out there, why serve brains at breakfast every morning? Oatmeal – yeah right! (Zombies chant "brains, brains" and carry off Don.) EEEAAAAHHHH!
CHET: Well, as the Punster would say, Don, food for thought. Don? Don? Are you there Don? Oh well, (Cheerfully): now from our theater critic, Clive Cliveson, with a review of the Staff’s opening campfire Skits – Clive?
CLIVE (dressed all in black): Ah yes, Chet; for this reviewer, Monday night was the highlight of the Tupper Lake cultural season. The Massawepie Staff brilliantly staged a re-imagination of Beckett’s nihilistic masterpiece, "Waiting for Godot", only this piece was called "Waiting for Something to Happen". Set in a post-apocalyptic world of (gesturing to the fires) smoky ruins and smoldering ash-heaps, nameless characters wandered aimlessly about the stage, seemingly desperate for a few cheap laughs. Deconstructing the very concept of "skit" they took us beyond such tired conventions such as plot, pacing or focus; their pointless meanderings briefly lightened by an occasional, atonal, song. A true masterpiece of post-post-post modern performance art.
CHET: Thank’s Clive. . .
CLIVE: Except for that Mark fellow - waaaay over the top, that one!
CHET: No surprise there. Speaking of which - this just in! (An "intern" then runs in with a "news flash")
CHER: Shocking news! Mark the Dining Hall Steward has been arrested! At 1:46 this afternoon he was taken into custody and locked up in the Gale Jail. The charges? Negligent Songacide, Hattery Battery, and Acting with Intent to Act. We go now live to Anderson Andersonson at the Childwold police station:
ANDERSON: Chet, a community shocked! Men weep, women sobbed, little children wet their pants as Massawepie’s favorite overactor is taken for a police lineup before a small group of four hundred eye witnesses:
(Five ‘suspects’ enter in a line; four are stone faced, one is wildly gyrating and wearing a funny hat)
POLICEMAN: (to the audience) Gentlemen, please take your time and look carefully: does anyone in this lineup look like the alleged dining hall steward? Anyone? No? No one? Oh well.
ANDERSON: Only time will tell what fate is in store for the Suspicious Steward. With trial scheduled for about, oh, (looking at watch) two minutes from now, we’ll keep you updated, Chet.
CHET: And now, on the lighter side of the news: for the results of our PNN cutest staff member contest, we go to our special correspondent,
GRANDY: Chet, the nominees for Cutest Staff Member are (drumroll, from behind): Business manager Christy Geiger. . . Assistant Water Front Director Kari Elliott. . . and our personal favorite, Troop 37's sweetheart, Trading Post Manager Mary Beth Boyle! And the winner is – and I bet you didn’t see this one coming – Matt Kane from Scoutcraft! (From behind: YEAH! YEAH!)
MATT: (complete with mop wig on head) Thank you, Thank You!
CHET: Now back to Anderson Andersonson, with live reports from the trial of Mark the Steward:
ANDERSON: Chet, one of those Econ guys, you know, whose name we can never remember, is being cross-examined by the defense attorney:
ECON: And just moments after he ran past me, his hands covered in gorilla blood, I saw it there, headless, lifeless - Ator!
DEFENSE: But you didn’t see the alleged murder, did you? For all you know someone else might have moved the body there. It could have been a plant!
ECON: A Plant! Plant! Plant! (Wanders off)
ANDERSON: More from the trial later, Chet; back to you!
CHET: And now for a quick weather report; take it away meteorologist Storm Stormson:
STORM: (Left) Chet, we are predicting gathering darkness tonight, which should turn into complete darkness until morning when scattered daylight is expected.
CHET: Guaranteed accurate as always. Let’s check in with our lifestyle correspondent, Frarty Frartson, with our joke of the day and our pun of the second. Frarty?
Frarty: Thank’s Chet. Perhaps you hears about the Buddhist Scout who was so inspired by the Massawepie Punster that when he went to the dentist for root canal work he declined novocain? Apparently he was attempting to transcend dental medication! A duck walked into the Trading Post yesterday, asking for Chapstick. He said "put it on my bill"! Last week, the Space Exploration Merit Badge class launched several cows into earth orbit. It was the herd shot around the world! Finally, two guys are in a bathtub. One said "pass the soap" and the other said "no soap - radio!" (Loud laughter behind) No soap, radio! (Laughs uncontrollable to his own joke) Back to you, Chet.
CHET (chuckling),: "Radio", that’s funny. But back to our top story: Anderson, how goes the trial?
ANDERSON: Chet, the prosecution has called John, the program director, to testify:
JOHN (with herky jerky hand motions): The poor helpless creature: spinning around and around and around, everybody yelling, laughing and... and... staring at its butt!
DEFENSE: Objection! I object to the entire testimony of this witness. It’s like he is just mouthing someone else’s words. Wait a minute; . . . (lifts a ‘string’; John’s right hand rises) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury - this man is just a front - a puppet, for the true master villain acting behind the scenes! (Follows the’ strings’; peeks behind the wall) I give you - AHA! the puppet master! The Camp Director, Steve Wisenheimer! (Pulls out ‘Steve’ holding Marionet sticks, with an obvious pillow in his shirt.)
ANDERSON: Bedlam in the courtroom, Chet. But Mark, the Steward a free man. Mark, any comments?
MARK: I’ve got birdy-poop stuck in my nose!
ANDERSON: Wow. WOW. Back to you Chet
CHET: Stunning developments. We will all remember this day for the rest of our lives. Which reminds me: did you know - - that in 2013, Troop 37 was banned from presenting any more of these phony news campfire skits? For more, lets go back to our theater critic, Clive Cliveson, for an extraordinarily quick review of the 2012 Troop 37 Campfire Skit, even now in progress:
CLIVE: Chet, deep disappointment is all I can say - sorrowful, bitter despair over these pitiful amateurs with their feeble little jokes, there all-too clever jibes, their vicious attacks on honorable, hardworking staff members – all I can say is shame on you, Troop 37, shame! This critic, for one, can hardly wait for this pointless exercise to mercifully grind to a halt, which should be in about 30 seconds, by my watch.
CHET: 30 seconds is about right, Clive. Just enough time for a quick stock market report from Don Donaldson at the Piercefield Stock Exchange:
DOW: (Center) Today in stocks: Elevators are up, wells are down, and envelopes are stationary!
CHET: Please note that th a few weeks, this skit will join our previous Pioneer News Network skits online at Troop37rochester.com. Finally in the news, breakfast tomorrow in the dining hall is Big Macs and fries!
CHET: And all day long free slushies in the Trading Post!
CHET: And next summer, Mountaineer across the lake will become a Girl Scout Camp!
(Chorus: YEAH! YEAH!)
CHET: And pigs will fly. That’s it for me tonight; this is Chet Chetson for PNN, the Pioneer News Network!