Pioneer News 2011
(The following is the skit presented by the Scouts of Troop 37 at the closing campfire of Week 4 at Camp Pioneer, Massawepie Scout Camp):
CHET: Good evening: This is PNN the Pioneer News Network – the fake news network that only tells you what you want to hear. Chet Chetson reporting. Our top stories tonight!
COAP Crusader plunge to death in horrible late night zip line mishap!
Three feared drowned after boat number 6 capsizes!
Mid-air collision at the Quiddich Tournament leaves two dead!
And the Highlander flag stolen by Quasi-moto’s five younger brothers, Semi-moto, Kinda-moto, Somewhat-moto, Komono-moto, and Bob.
More on that later. First up, In international news, Frog-gate: the uproar over the Massawepie Staff skit offending people of French origin. Today the French Mission in Tupper Lake filed a formal diplomatic protest. For more on the story, PNN’s foreign reporter, Wolf Wolfson.
WOLF: Chet, I am here with the French Charge D’Affairs of Tupper Lake, Peppy Peayu (yes, pronounced pee-you). Monsieur Peayu, thanks for joining us
PEPPY: Hon, hon, hon I am zo h’appee to be here, ‘Olf.
WOLF: Monsieur Peayu, why was your government so upset over our staff skit about Napoleon Monday night? Surely surrender monkeys like you are use to taking shots for your numerous ignoble military defeats?
PEPPY: Your leeedle humoresque was an insufferable insult to zee French Nation! Zat leedle man there who slandered the great Napoleon Bonaparte, he should go back to singing of the penguins and racing the little toads and not stick his beeg fat nose into there where is not belonging. Hon, hon, hon.
WOLF: Big deal; what’a gonna’ do about it, huh?
PEPPY: Foolish boy, do you think zose were Americain jets buzzing camp all week? No, no, no! Hah, hah, hah! Vive l’Mirage!
CHILDWOLD (entering, to Wolf): I say, old chap, I regret I must register an official complaint myself, don’t you know.
WOLF: Why it’s Lord Childwold, the British Consular General of Cranberry Lake! What’s your beef, Limey?
CHILDWOLD: Well, sir, we all know you Americans are quite ignorant of your own history, but must you muck it up for the rest of us? Cornwallis wasn’t at Waterloo, you daft tosser, it was Wellington, the Duke of Wellington!
WOLF: Well La-dee-da, pinky-fingers-out, the Queen is here for tea! Who cares?
PEPPY: Hon, hon, hon, stand in line, Monsieur le’shopkeepier. The Honour of France is at stake!
CHILDWOLD: Fine talk from chaps who shower less than Massawepie Boy Scouts!
PEPPY: Outrage! Dishonour! J’acuse! (Points an accusing finger)
CHILDWOLD: Oh, bugger off, Froggy; Go eat a snail!
(They exit opposite directions, Peppy with “Vive la France!” , Childwold with “Rule, Brittania!”)
WOLF: A tale of two countries, Chet. Back to you.
CHET: Thank’s Wolf; sensitive as ever to unfair cultural stereotypes. Well, it’s Fashion Week here at Massawepie, as the dining hall has been transformed into a millenary showcase and the glitterari gathered to glance at glitzy headgear from the House of Mark. Our fashion reporter, Oscar de la Oscarson, has the wrap:
OSCAR: Brilliant, Chet, just brilliant, that’s the runway buzz here at Pioneer House, ground zero for the latest in hatwear from House of Mark. Let’s take a gander, shall we?
CHORUS (softly singing) I said the birds, the worm...
OSCAR: First up, Ode de la Number Ten Can; Concentric circles garnished by a patina of rust, this fashion statement doubles as fire protection headgear!
OSCAR: Next, Ode de la pine bows. This naturally fragrant headpiece will top off any well coiffed camper AND qualifies as emergency shelter for Wilderness Survival Merit Badge.
OSCAR: Finally, the House of Mark headliner of the year, ode de la fruit-of-the-loom. Not so much a fashion statement as a cry for help, this is a real attention-grabber. And here is the artist himself, Mark of House of Mark! A word, Mark?
MARK THE STEWART (grinning stupidly): I ate a tooth paste and jelly sandwiches for breakfast.
Oscar: Um, Thank you, Mark , and back to PNN Central.
CHET: Stand-up comedy returns to Camp with the Friday Night Massawepie Comedy Scout Show! Our on-the-spot reporter, Chuck Chuckleson, is live, down at the you-know-what Circle.
CHUCK: Chet, I’m here at the circle-that must-not-be named, live as Scouts present the best in Boy Scout Humor. Favorite topics this year? Same as ever: Bathroom humor galore! latrines, underwear, the ever-popular toilet paper jokes. Let’s listen in live as Troop 666 warms up:
(666 ‘General’ stands center; 666 Messenger runs up; this all happens very fast:)
MESSENGER: General, General, the enemy is advancing!
GENERAL: Bring me my red coat: If I am wounded, I do not want my soldiers to see me bleed! (messenger runs off and returns immediately)
MESSENGER: General, general, the enemy is almost here!
GENERAL: BRING ME MY...
PD MARK: STOP! STOP! STOP! This isn’t the skit I approved!
CHUCK: Look! It’s Mark, the Program Director!
PD Mark: Yes, it’s me, Mark, the Program Director! Good Evening Scouts!
CHORUS: Good evening, Mark!
PD MARK: (to the audience) Maybe you don’t know but I, Mark, your program director, am a graduate of Performing Arts School! I am a PROFESSIONAL! People actually pay me to do this stuff! At my school, we only studied the most elevated, most morally refined theatrical presentations: Good clean fun: Shakespeare! Moliere! David Mamet! (Pause for a laugh from the three people in the audience who will get this joke) But you people, oh, no! It’s all about toilet paper and body odors! Well, not on my watch, Buster! I’m censoring this skit! Bring out the Censors! (PD Mark exits)
(Two ‘censors’ bring out a poncho or tarp and hide the General and the Messenger. From behind the tarp):
GENERAL: Bring me my mumble mumble! (Runs away from the tarp)
CHORUS: (Laughs as if this is the funniest thing ever)
CHUCK: Well, Chet, Fine Art has suffered again at the hands of the philistines.
CHET: Too bad they cut off the punch line, which was, by the way, ‘bring me my brown pants.’ And now another cultural report from Art Artson
ART: Chet, I’m here at the Massawepie Jazz Festival, speaking with Albert “Sweet Lips” Phleep, world-famous jazz saxophone player. How are you today, Mr. Lips?
AL: (Stevie Wonder dark glasses; all this character says are three words, in every possible order), Yeah man, cool. Yeah cool man. Cool yeah man. . .
ART: Mr. Lips, what is the secret of your great success?
AL: Yeah cool, yeah man, cool man, yeah. . .
ART: Um, Okayyyyy; Perhaps, Mr. Lips, you can give us a performance of your latest composition, entitled: “I eat brains for breakfast in the Pioneer Dining Hall”
AL: Yeah, cool... (15 seconds of completely discordant notes, rather like modern jazz)
ART: Yeah man, cool. Back to you Chet.
CHET: Now for some words of inspiration from our camp director, Steve Wisenheimer (Editor note: a “wisenheimer” is an old-fashion phrase for a wise guy)
(Chorus, humming Scout Vespers)
STEVE: (Very slowly and reasonable; this is great wisdom): Scouts, as you come to the conclusion of this wonderful week at camp, consider this: some days you’re the bug. . . and some days you’re the windshield. (Thoughtful pause.) Some days you’re the dog. . . and some days you’re the hydrant. (Thoughtful pause.) If at first you don’t succeed, (pause, look up) skydiving is definitely not for you. (Thoughtful pause.) True, the early bird gets the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese. (Loooong thoughtful pause.) Some day you’ll think back on all this, (pause) and you will plow right into a parked car. (Thoughtful pause.) In conclusion, never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. But then you can say anything you want, because he’s a mile away, (pause) and you’ve got his shoes! Thank you, Scouts and good night!
CHET: Finally in the news, breakfast tomorrow in the dining hall is Big Macs and fries!
CHET: And all day long free slushies in the Trading Post!
CHET: And next summer, Mountaineer across the lake will become a Girl Scout Camp!
(Chorus: YEAH! YEAH!)
CHET: And pigs will fly. That’s it for me tonight; this is Chet Chetson for PNN, the Pioneer News Network!