Be Prepared for the 21st Century

Troop 37 2006 Massawepie Campfire skit

(The American Idol skit)

CHET:  Good evening: This is PNN the Pioneer News Network – the network that only brings you the news you want to hear. Chet Chetson reporting. Our top story tonight: 94 Scouts killed in a horrible Retreat shotgun mishap. But more on that later. (Real cheerfully) First up, Sports! Biff Bifferson has the latest

BIFF: Thanks, Chet. The Trail.Blazers are preparing for a five mile slow walk around Massawepie Lake. (Trailblazers enter from right of wall; warm up – jumping jacks, stretching etc.) This year’s field looks pretty good as they await our official race starters:

(Real fast! Coming out, one at a time from left of wall to center; line up right to left)

MARK: (On entering) Hi! I’m Mark

STEVE: I’m Steve

JOHN: I’m John

ADAM: I’m Adam

TOGETHER: Weeeeeeeee’re Trail Blazers!

MARK (to Steve): No, wait – I thought you were Adam!

ADAM (to John) I thought you were Steve!

MARK: No that’s next week

JOHN: But I wanna be Steve

STEVE: You got to be Steve last week

ADAM: I always wanted to be called Quomquat! Can I be Quomquat next week?

MARK: Last week you wanted to be called Petunia Spring Flower! How embarrassing!

ADAM:(to Mark) You get all the good names

STEVE: No, you do

ALL FOUR: (to each other) No, you do, no you (etc.)

BIFF: (Over the “you do’s”) Anyway while they sort that out the competitors are ready for the slow walk marathon. They’re at the gate; they’re in place; and . .
(Really fast, one after the other)

ADAM: Ready!

JOHN: Set!

STEVE: Go!

MARK: Bang! (They immediately fall on top of each other; they are pulled up and out by trailblazer staff)

BIFF: And with that the slow walk is underway. Back to you Chet.

CHET: Thanks, Biff. Now for another hard-hitting expose by our prize-winning investigative reporter, Don Donaldson.

DON: (Center left) Bark-eaters: harmless Scout adventure program or hideous cost-cutting scheme? You be the judge. This reporter has learned that to pay their exorbitant staff salaries Massawepie Scout Camps is saving on food costs by enticing young innocent Boy Scouts to eat tree bark! Unbelievable but true! Beach, Maple or White Pine, no tree in Massawepie is safe from the insatiable mandibles of these pint-size arborvores. The sight of these sweet little children gnawing on spruce boughs brings tears to this reporter’s . . .

CHET: (Cutting him off) Don, Don, this is Chet. This is truly unbelievable! What do Massawepie officials have to say for themselves?

DON: Yeah, I was going to interview them right after Archery Class . . .

CHET: But you have witnessed this tree-carnage yourself?

DON: Well no not me personally . . .

CHET: Then how do you know this unspeakable crime is actually taking place?

DON: OK Smarty-pants, think about it: Bark Eaters! I mean, they don’t even try to hide what they’re doing! 

CHET: Security! (Don is led off by two security). OK, Let’s see how our trailblazers are doing on the five mile slow walk: we go now to our solar powered tree cam just south of Mountaineer: (Trailblazers come from behind wall and are aimlessly bumping into each other)

CHET: Now on to Ryan Ryanson for this year’s final of Massawepie Idol!

(Chorus: yeah!!) (Randy, Paula & Simon, in camp chairs, in front of wall)

RYAN: (Center) Yes, America, you have voted and tonight – we learn who will be this year’s Massawepie Idol! With me are our judges with their usual words of encouragement. Our first Idol contestant: Program Director Rick Byers and the Birthday Song! Come on down, Rick! (Puts Idols center right, between Ryan and Chet)

Chorus: Happy Birthday! Oh, Happy Birthday!

RANDY: (“Dawg wave” overhead fist shake) You go, Dawg!

PAULA: I love it!

SIMON: I’m sorry, but that’s bloody awful! (Pause for laughs?) I’m serious: some little kid is stranded a million miles from home on his birthday and here’s this clown singing about death and sorrow. Let’s be honest; that song is crap!

RYAN: Our next contestant: Camp Director Steve Weisenreader and The American Railroad! Bring it in, Steve!

Chorus: Patsy Atsy Ory Aye! Patsy Atsy Ory Aye!

RANDY: (dawg wave) Way to go, dawg!

PAULA: That’s so sweet! 

SIMON: Oh, Please! Where did he dig up this corpse of a song? That song is so old, seriously, that song is so old I think Moses sang it in third grade! Its so old it use to be known as “The Roman Empire Railroad.” Unbelievably bad! 

RYAN: The final contestant: Scout leader Peter Scribner and The Cat Came Back; Mr. S!

Chorus: Oh the Cat Came Back, the very next day

RANDY: (Dawg wave): You are the dawg!

PAULA: Way to go!

SIMON: You have got to be kidding me! What a has-been! Maybe that song was cute when Nixon was President but today this guy’s voice sounds likes he’s stomping egg shells left over from Pioneer breakfast! I’m sorry; this guy is a fossil and the song complete rubbish!

RYAN: Thank you judges! And your 2006 Massawepie Idol is . . .

Chorus: drumroll (slap legs)

RYAN: Penny the wheel-chair pulling guide dog!

Chorus: Howl! Howl!

PENNY: (Long haired Scout dressed all in black, tongue hanging out and waiving one “paw;) Woof Woof! Woof Woof! (“thank you, thank you”; takes the award in her mouth. (Ryan, contestants and Judges exit, Simon repeating “complete farce! Absolute rubbish!)

CHET: Thanks, Ryan; congratulations Penny. Now, time for another update on the trailblazer’s slow walk, from our tree cam located at outpost “Ving-Go”

Chorus: Vinn-joe!

CHET: That’s what I said: Ving-go

Chorus: Vinn-joe!

CHET: V-I-N-G-O that spells Ving-go. Just because the actual name of the place is Vin-joe doesn’t mean I have to pronounce it Vinn-joe!

Chorus: Yes it does!

CHET: OK fine; Vinn-joe. You happy now?

Chorus: Yes we are!

CHET: Fine. Anyway, lets look in on the trailblazers at (disgusted having to say so) “Vinn-joe.”

TRAILBLAZERS: (sticking heads around both sides of wall): Water! Water!

CHET: And with the stock market report: Dow Dowson

DOW: Today in stocks: Elevators are up, wells are down, and envelopes are stationary!

CHET: And now for the weather report; take it away Storm Stormson

STORM:  Chet, we are predicting gathering darkness tonight, which should turn into complete darkness until morning when scattered daylight is expected.

CHET: Last look at our slow walk competitors: (they enter from right, in front of wall) So, Trail Blazers; now that you have completed this slow walk, what are you going to do?

TRAILBLAZERS: We’re going to the Trading Post! (Exit left)

CHET: Finally in the news, breakfast tomorrow in the dining hall is big macs and fries!

(Chorus: YEAH!) 

CHET: And all day long free slushies in the trading post!

(Chorus: YEAH!)

CHET: And next summer, Mountaineer across the lake will become a Girl Scout Camp!

(Chorus: YEAH! YEAH!)

CHET: And pigs will fly. That’s it for me tonight; this is Chet Chetson for PNN, the Pioneer News Network!