Be Prepared for the 21st Century

Troop 37 2005 Massawepie camp fire skit

Chet: Good Evening: I am Chet Chetson and this is PNN, the Pioneer Network News, with all the news that youse can use. For our first story tonight, we go to Ed Edwardson at the Econ area.

Ed: This is Ed Edwardson, reporting live from Econ, where PNN is hot on the trail of the elusive Massawepie Red-Headed Butt Blaster. This elusive creature can only be lured out of his hidey-hole by ritually chanting a phrase of inducement. Yes! I think I hear the local natives summoning the beast now!

Chorus: (Whispering) (dance, Adam, dance; dance, Adam dance. (Keep repeating at a whisper)

Ed: Wait! I think I see something now! Yes! Through the trees, a large, misshapen figure is lunging this way!

Chorus: (low voice) (Dance, Adam, dance. Dance, Adam dance. (Keep repeating at a low voice)

Ed: It’s coming closer - - - closer - - - Its only a few feet from - OH MY GOD! It’s so huge and - and ugly!

Chorus: (loud voice) (DANCE, ADAM DANCE! DANCE, ADAM DANCE! (Keep repeating at a loud voice)

Ed: And now it is stepping out into the clearing - it has reared up on it enormous hind legs! I think it’s going to - NO!!! The humanity, the humanity!

Chorus: (loud voice) (DANCE, ADAM DANCE! DANCE, ADAM DANCE! (Keep repeating at a loud voice) Enter Scott as Adam; dances & leaves.

Chet:: Stunning news indeed from Econ. And now a story from our crack investigative reporter: Dan Danielson. Dan, what story are you cracking tonight?

Dan: Chet, PNN wants to know: Pyro-Night! Innocent fire skills fun or sadistic, cannibal ritual? YOU be the judge. PNN Investigation Reports has learned that the Scoutcraft staff has been secretly spit-roasting tenderfoots over enormous bonfires each week in an orgy of mayhem and abandon they call - PYRO-NIGHT!

Chorus: PYRO-NIGHT!

Dan: Burning flesh is ripped from the bones of young Scouts as bloodthirsty staff. . .

Chet:: Dan! Dan! This is Chet! This is indeed an incredible story! When did you first witness this indescribable horror?

Dan: Well, I haven’t actually witnessed it myself personally, but. . .

Chet:: Then what do the eye witnesses to this unspeakable carnage have to say?

Dan: Well, Chet, I haven’t found any eye witnesses exactly. . .

Chet:: Then how do you know this carnival of horror actually took place?

Dan: OK, smarty-pants: how else would you explain the hot turkey-and-gravy sandwich at the dining hall? It was roasted Scout-flesh, I tell you: PYRO-NIGHT IS PEOPLE!

Chorus: PYRO-NIGHT!

Chet:: Thank’s Dan for that imaginative report, and maybe it’s time to re-calibrate those medications, what d’ya say? And now, we have a quick report from Tom’s real daughter:

Mrs. Maurer: Hi! I’m Tom’s real daughter. If you want to date me, I only have one rule: KILL TOM!!! KILL TOM!!! KILL TOM!!! (while exiting) kill... kill... kill...

Chet:: OK, thank you, Tom’s Real Daughter. And now it’s time for sports.

Bill: This is Bill Williamson with PNN Sports! We’re at the finish line of the Tour De Massawepié!

(Chorus: 2 and 3 at a time, chorus members circle in front of the campfire circle, holding hands up in the air as if on handlebars, and murmuring quietly “pedal, pedal; pedal, pedal”)

Bill (con’t.) The competition has been fierce this year, but as expected, Lance A-Rod is still way out front with a 2 second lead! A-Rod has had his setbacks this year, after 28 endo’s, 42 wipeouts, and a tragically failed bunny hop on day 16. But here we are at the end; A-rod is coming around the last turn, crosses the finish line in first place and - OH NO! He’s crashed right into the grand stand!

(“A-Rod” dummy is thrown over the back wall)

Bill: And - OH NO! The other riders don’t see him!

(Chorus members “ride” over the dummy.)

Bill: And - Oh No! The Waterfront Staff is administering CPR!

(Three chorus members run around to the dummy, jump all over it, and drag it away.)

Bill: Not to worry, Chet; we have a report that this happens to A-rod every week at the campfire.

Chet:: Well, good news that, Bill. And now for a personal editorial from our International Scout here at Massawepie:

Francis: [Editor note: Francis was an exchange staff member from Hong Kong] Marches with swinging arms to the front. Big step upon haulting.) Hi! I’m Francis! But just because my name is Francis doesn’t mean I am from France. So don’t be coming up to me and saying Bon Jour! Where I come from, we say hello by punching each other in the face! So next time you see me, just give me a nice, friendly face punch! Bye! (About face; big step, then march back to Chorus with big arm swings.)

Chet: Thank you, Francis! Hold on - This disclaimer just in from our lawyers: that previous editorial comment was strictly intended for satiric effect. Please do not punch our International Scout in the Face. Or anyone else.

(Chet continues): In entertainment news, Massawepie was enlivened by some old fogy scoutmaster doing his version of the Cat Came Back for the 89th year in a row. So popular was this feature that he has agreed to do an encore here at the campfire, and with him, the world-famous Cat Came Back dancers!

“Scribner”: (actually a very young scout. “Scribner” enters from one side, singing, and does the Cat strut across the stage to the other and exits, followed by half a dozen or so strutting “Cat Came Back” dancers): Oh, the cat came back, the very next day, Oh, the cat came the very next day, Oh the cat came back, the very next day! (etc.)

Chet:: Finally in the news: Troop 37 and the Highlanders were victorious by default against the Staff in Capture the Flag on Wednesday Night!

Chorus: Yeah!

Chet:: And in honor of the glorious victory, free Slushies at the Trading Post!

Chorus: Yeah!

Chet:: Followed by a trip across the lake to the new Girl Scout Camp!

Chorus: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Chet:: And that’s all the news that youse can use. For Pioneer Network News, I’m Chet Chetson.