Be Prepared for the 21st Century

Pictures: Massawepie 2009 First Week:


Text: Troop 37 Campfire skit, July 31, 2009; performed again August 7, 2009

(See pictures at the end of the 2009 Massawepie slide show, above.  All participants wore white t-shirts representing different configurations of "5", from five dots (Morse code), to 2x=10, to Square route of 25, to 1+1+1+1+1, etc.)

Prologue: Our attorneys requested that we make the following announcement: the performance you are about to see is purely a work of fiction; any representation, reference or depiction of any real or actual persons, institutions, programs or events is puuuuuuurely coincidental. And if you believe that, you too should be an attorney.

Chief: (entering, eating a stick. Pauses, spits out woodchips (actually cereal)): OK Woodchippers! Its time for our First Year Woodchipper candidate! Minions, bring him forward! (Minions brings forward the first year candidate)

Chief: Young sir, are you ready to be inducted into the august society of Massawepie Woodchippers?

First: Yes, sir, I am!

Chief: Do you consider yourself worthy of this great honor?

First: Yes sir, I have passed all the requirements!

Chief: Do you have a sense of humor?

First: No sir, I am completely devoid of any humorous instincts!

Chief: Very good: For your first question on Massawepie Lore: Who was Townsend Childs?

First: Townsend “Towny” Childs was the founder of Childwold, New York, the home of Massawepie. Mr. Childs was famous for eating bark, I mean wood, and is the honorary father of the Woodchippers Movement. He also has green hair and purple eyes. He smelled like apricots.

Chief: Very good! Next question: what is the Woodchippers Oh-Oh-ficial cheer?

First: Woodchippers! Woodchippers! Gosh, Oh Hemlock!
Woodchippers! Woodchippers, Tough as a pine knot!

Chief: Fine. Finally: Why was the mushroom the life-of-the-party at the Staff Christmas party?

First: Because he’s a Fun-gi!

Chief: Perfect! Minions, present ‘young sir’ with the First Year Woodchippers award.

(The award is presented; a small stick around the neck. First Year stands back away. Meanwhile the Chief “eats” more wood and spits it out.)

Chief: Minions; bring in the Second Year Woodchipper candidate.

(The candidate is presented)

Young sir, are you ready to join the Woodchippers Cult, I mean Movement?

Second: Absolutely sir; I’ve been waiting all year.

Chief: And have you continued to suppress all urges to acknowledge irony?

Second: Yes, sir. I believe the sight of grown men chanting made-up rituals is not the least bit funny!

Chief: Do you know the Woodchipper oh-oh-ficial shout-out?

Second: Woodchippers! Woodchippers! Men so brave!
Woodchippers! Woodchippers! Well behaved!

Chief: Perfect. Now, for camp history tell me this: Who was George Frank?

Second: George F. Frank, known to everyone as “Bud”, was the inventor of the Slushy Machine. All Massawepie reveres his name.

Chief: Excellent. Finally, what do prisoners use to call each other?

Second: Cell phones.

Chief: Fine, Fine. Here’s your second year award.

(Minions puts a slightly larger stick around his neck; he stands back with First Year; Chief eats more bark & spits.)

Chief: Minions, summon the third year candidate: (He is summoned)

Young sir, Are you ready for the third level of our not-really-Secret Society?

Third: Yes, sir; Woodchippers is my only reason for coming back to camp!

Chief: That’s the spirit: Your Massawepie-lore question: Who was Dick Wyland?

Third: Richard Wyland, also known as “Chipmunk”, was the first scout launched into orbit by a Space Exploration Merit Badge rocket. He flunked the merit badge after his parachute failed to open upon re-entry into Massawepie Lake.

Chief: First rate! And the oh-oh-ficial Woodchippers cry?

Third: Woodchippers! Woodchippers! Young and hungry!
Woodchippers! Woodchippers! What’s so fun-ny?

Chief: Very impressive. Finally, What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?

Third: Na-cho cheese!

Chief: Good one. Minions, present his award (a larger piece of wood. Third retires to First & Second. Chief eats more wood & spits.)

Chief: Minion, the Fourth year, please! (He is presented) Well, young sir, you look sufficiently humorless. What special requirement did you do for this year’s award?

Fourth: I walked around Pioneer showing younger scouts a 100 year old garbage dump.

Chief: Nice, nice. Your Massawepie history question: Who was Loren Hakes?

Fourth: Loren Hakes, for which this camp fire circle is named, was a second Class Scout who died in a tragic PYRO NIGHT accident in 1942. His ashes are buried in a Dutch Oven beneath the Massawepie flagpole.

Chief: Well done, well done. And the oh-oh-ficial Woodchippers yell?

Fourth:
Woodchippers! Woodchippers! Hearts of Oak!
Woodchippers! Woodchippers, Not a Joke!

Chief: For Fourth Year Woodchippers, we have a silent ceremony: (everyone stands silently, looking at the audience for 60 seconds.)

Chief: Wűnderbar; you have earned your award! (a yet-larger piece of wood. Chief eats more wood & spits)

Chief: Bring fourth our Fifth Year Bark - I mean Woodchipper. (He is brought forth.)

You, young sir, have reached the pinnacle of Massawepie success; an honor above all honors; a most exalted status: you, sir, have earned the magical number FIVE! To what do you attribute your success?

Fifth: Well, sir, I always wanted to be a Woodchipper ever since I was a little termite of a thing. My whole being, my very essence, is defined by being a Woodchipper. I live to eat wood.

Chief: And your funny bone?

Fifth: Surgically removed, sir!

Chief: That’s the spirit. Your lore question: Who is Douglas Downs?

Fifth: That’s easy. Doug Downs, aka Mumsey Moose, is the most important, valued member of the whole Massawepie organization; three times a week he brings in his tanker truck and pumps out the port-a-potties.

Chief: Valued indeed. Now, can you tell me the top ten reasons why it is a good thing to be the Camp Chaplin?

Fifth: Er, um not ten, exactly?

Chief: The top seven reasons?

Fourth: Um seven? Ahhhhhhhhh. . .

Chief: Fine; give me the top FIVE reasons for being the Camp Chaplin at Massawepie. Anton, drum roll please! (Prologue, First, Second, Third and Fourth, in the back, slaps knees to make a drum roll)

Chief: Number FIVE!

Fifth: All Scouts have to be nice to you – OR ELSE!

Chief: Number FOUR!

Fifth: You can make it rain any time you want!

Chief: Number THREE!

Fifth: The annual Blessing of the Slushie Machine!

Chief: Number TWO!

Fifth: Even when announcing the winner of the Toad Race, you sound like the VOICE OF GOD!

Chief: And the number one benefit of being Massawepie Camp Chaplin?

Fifth: All Boy Scouts are perfect, so MORE TIME FOR FISHING!

Chief: Very good, and extra points for not laughing because this is a very serious occasion! Can you repeat the oh-oh-ficial Woodchippers Call?

All Five Woodchippers together:
Woodchippers! Woodchippers! Mother Nature teaches!
Woodchippers! Woodchippers! We’re Sons of Beeches!

Chief: Perfect-a-mundo! Your award (A massive log, which brings him down.)

Chief: Very good; with the fifth year I think that brings to the end. . . (Minion #1 rushes over and whispers in Chief’s ear) (to Minion) Oh? Really? (To audience)

Chief: Folks I have been informed that we will be presenting a special FORTY FIFTH year Woodchippers award this year. The only requirement for Forty Fifth Year Woodchipper is that you have to sing the same song in the dining hall each year; every year; again... and again..., and again. . . , even if you are so old your voice now sounds like you gargle shredded glass. Ladies and Gentlemen, our Forty Fifth Year Woodchipper!

(“Old” 45th Woodchippers - actually a young scout - enters from one side, crosses to the other, dragging a very large log and singing, badly, “Oh the Cat Came Back, the very next day” again and again)